Thursday, April 19, 2012

Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Pregnant

(Almost all of these might end up being their own blog post)

10.   Night sweats.  Jenny McCarthy’s book “Baby Laughs” warned me of this, but until you experience it for yourself you just don’t understand.  All of those fluids they pumped into you apparently only come out via drenching sweat during your sleep.  I was afraid I would drown.

9.       The hospital will give you tons of freebies.  Unfortunately, they aren’t going to be the brands that you registered for so you will be stuck figuring out what to do with them. 

Exhibit A. 
I registered for Nuk's, but the hospital gave us Soothies.  Now we use both. Terrible idea.

8.      I knew I wasn’t going to leave the hospital with a flat stomach, but I didn’t expect to look like a blowfish either. They pump you full of fluids while you’re in the hospital (see #10 for how they leave your body) and so pants I could comfortably fit in when I got to the the hospital, were painfully tight four days later when it was time to go home.

Exhibit B.
Thanks TJ and/or Andrea -who takes a profile pic of a woman getting ready to leave the hospital?!?!

Is that really the size of my butt?  I opted for the large scarf to hide the rolls in my chin and the black jacket to hide my bulging stomach.  Again - who takes pictures of a woman who just gave birth?!?!  My vanity captured forever.

7.      Moooo!  I felt more like a cow than a mom the first few weeks.  TJ actually handed me a shirt (that I normally love) but it had a cow on it.  This simple oversight normally would have cracked me up. Post pregnancy and hormonal Ellen damn near called the divorce lawyer.  

6.       Identity crisis.  You have nine months to think about it, but nothing can prepare you for having a baby.  I read tons of books and blogs and I was surprised that I never came across anything about the identity crisis I experienced.  Baby Blues comes up in everything, but nothing about coming to terms with this huge change and all of a sudden the person that you’ve been for 30 years now seems to be gone. (She's not by the way you just have to remember who she was.)

5.       You learn to hate all of the cutest outfits that you just couldn’t wait to put the baby in.  Why?  The thousands of snaps that in your sleepy haze will line up the wrong way while fighting kicking legs.

Exhibit C.
I actually still really love this outfit, but it doesn't mean that snaps still don't piss me off.

4.       The crazies will come running.  It’s pretty well advertised that strangers will want to touch your pregnant belly.  What they don’t tell you is that strangers will also want to touch your newborn.  What does the stranger do?  Let the baby hold their finger.  What does the baby do?  Put their hands in their mouth.  What do you do? Try not to punch the stranger in the throat for subjecting your child to who knows what.

3.       Carseat Hell.  I nearly threw my back out the first time I climbed into the back seat by myself to put him in the car. It’s heavy.  It’s awkward.  It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and stomp my foot like a child.

2.       The video monitor is like crack.  Once you’ve had a taste of it you are instantly hooked.  DON’T DO IT! 

1.       F*#K the bumper.  I obsessed over the crib set.  I really loved looking at it before the baby was here.  After the first pediatrician appointment I learned I wasn’t supposed to even use one.  This was the first of many rules I broke.  I loved it I am using it.  Then the first time I went to change the crib sheet and had to untie the 16 knots, lift the awkward mattress, and then retie the 16 knots…I’ll be more likely to take a flame thrower to it than use it again.
Exhibit D.
Awe.  I still love how this looks.  Maybe I will put it back on...ugg.


  1. ummmm. put the bumper back on and don't take it off except to wash it like twice a year. just shimmy and shove the mattress back in there.

  2. you are not allowed to take the carseat out of the car again! unless you are out to eat and have a margarita and a bob armstrong and then, YES bring the carseat in and set him under the table so you can eat.

  3. hahah. Love this post because I am right there with you! Good news, when you lower the crib one day, you will be able to just slide the bumper up instead of taking it off every time. Also, be careful with the car seat. As a fellow midget, I hurt my back several times taking it in and out of the car. Have TJ do it as much a possible!