I’ve touched on it briefly, but in no exaggeration…no,
really…I had one of the worst pregnancies ever.
I was sick every.single.day for nine months. Again, it’s too soon to go into too much detail; however, the gist of the story is I lost part of my
maternity leave, didn’t get into a daycare in time, and wasn’t super duper
happy with my job anyway. Everything
worked out perfectly for me to stay at home for a few extra months and start
fresh with a new job.
It sure wasn't my original plan, but I wouldn’t trade these past 8 months for anything in the
world. It is unimaginable how quickly
Teddy went from a ball of goo that wasn’t aware of anything, to the giggly,
clapping, crawling little bull dozer that he is now. I’ve been toying with the idea of going back
to work for about a month now. I only
mentioned it to a couple of people.
Why? Guilt, mostly.
I’m southern for crying out loud. My main forms of communication are flirting
and the guilt trip. It’s what we
do. We don’t even realize we’re doing
it. For example, my sister leaves the
exact same phone message when I don’t answer my phone. “Surprise surprise. You didn’t answer your phone. What if this was an emergency? I don’t even know why you have a phone.” However, when I do answer my phone, I’m
greeted with, “Surprise surprise. You
answered the phone. I can’t believe it.” I’ve tried pointing out to her that I’m
getting guilt tripped no matter, but here again once a Tuggle woman has planted
her feet firmly in an opinion you might as well take a cue from Sisyphus and
roll a stone uphill (like how I just dropped some Greek mythology on you?).
I digress. I thought I was well acquainted with guilt. I was wrong.
You have no idea what guilt is until you’ve had a kid. The second he was born, I was
tethered to this huge responsibility. He
never leaves my mind. Ever. There is no break from being a mother. Out of sight, out of mind doesn’t exist
anymore. There’s no break for parents
and it’s not something you can understand until it happens to you. Then, insert the guilt for wanting a break. You see what I mean?
Woo wee. The guilt for
deciding when to stop breast feeding.
The guilt for when he should go to his own room. The guilt for wanting a nap on a cold rainy
day but he’s wide awake. The guilt for
just wanting to eat at the table with your husband. The guilt for wanting to just go to the pool
without taking 2 hours to pack everything you need. The guilt for the first time you are holding
them and take a corner too fast and they hit the doorframe. The guilt for the first time you spend the
night away from them. It's never ending. (Don't worry, you kinda get used to it.)
Now, I’ve made the decision to go back to work. Lord help me, the guilt factor which I
thought I was maxed out on, just got multiplied by 10. I start work on October 1st, and
it’s like this ticking time bomb in the background of my life. The second I signed my offer letter, I tip
toed into his room, picked up a perfectly sleeping baby, held him in my arms,
and cried.
Any time I get excited about joining the workforce again
(because who are we kidding, I will always be a worker bee), a HUGE wave of
guilt cascades over me and I think I’m going to drown. Am I a terrible mother for working? Is Teddy going to forget me or something?
TJ looked at me, like I had lost my ever-loving mind when I
finally voiced my concerns. He cocked
his head to the side like a questioning dog, and he asked, “Do you think you
aren’t going to be his mom come October 1st?” Ugggh. He just doesn’t understand. Of course, I’ll still be his mother, I’m just
afraid that my 8 month old son is going to judge me…wait, what? Damn.
Maybe I am crazy. I am 50% excited and 50% devastated. He did tell me to just give it 3 months and if I think I've made the wrong decision then just quit. I may have the most understanding husband in the world, but I'm a firm believer than men can never fully grasp a mother returning to work.
A quick look at my sabbatical from work:
January - First day home from the hospital
February - First trip to the lake
March - Picnic in the yard
April - Easter in Georgia
May - First time in the pool
June - First trip to the beach
July - Before West Nile 2012 ruined our outdoor play time
August - Supporting Nolan and team Georgia
September - First Dove Hunt
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