Sunday, October 28, 2012

Disclaimer: Sooo gross.

This post is not for the faint of heart.  Let me reiterate this.  If you are just the casual reader who likes to hear about my motherhood fails, then STOP reading now.  When people ask me why I started blogging, the answer is very simple.  I couldn’t believe how much pregnancy and the first few weeks of motherhood surprised me.  I was thirty years old, had several friends already have kids, and thought I knew what I was getting into.  I was wrong!  Wrong, I tell you!  Wrong!

There are several things that no one speaks of.  No one.  I don’t really blame them.  After all, it’s not exactly good dinner table conversation, but I feel that you should be warned.  Looking back, these things wouldn’t have been near as traumatizing if I had just known what to expect.
I am about to give you waaaaay too much information.  Again, I’m asking you to do yourself a favor and stop reading now unless you want the down and dirty truth of pregnancy, birth, and babies.  I can't guarantee you'll still look me in the eye after this post.


What are you still doing here?  Fine.  You asked for it:  Ellen’s 10 most traumatizing experiences ranked in order from freaked out to downright tears.  I would like to pre-apologize for my honesty here.  Don't judge me.

10.  Breastfeeding.  Oh, breastfeeding.  It seems so natural, peaceful, and rewarding.  The day my milk came in will be a day I can’t wait to forget.  Let’s just say that I’m pretty blessed in the boobie area.  Watching my already large boobs slowly grow over the pregnancy was a bit daunting.  I didn’t think they could get any bigger.  Honestly.  When my milk came in, I looked like a porn star.  I was devastated.  They were as hard as rocks, embarrassingly large, and engorged.  Many an hour was spent in the shower just crying over how bad they hurt.

9.  You see all of these amazing maternity outfits on t.v. and you can't wait to be the cute pregnant lady.  Once you give in and go buy some maternity clothes you are shocked beyond belief.  First, putting your pregnant body under department store lights = terror.  Then, you are out of breath and hot because the baby is sitting on your heart and lungs.  Finally, the really cute shirt that you are in love with at the Pea in the Pod, is about $80.  It's hard to justify that purchase when you are only going to be pregnant for another few weeks.

8.   I’ve heard people talk about the mesh underwear they give you, and I just laughed thinking they were joking.  Those things are the biggest, most ridiculous, heavenly sent item that you will receive during your stay at the hospital.  All of your normal “big underwear” is sadly too small after birth and those bad boys are so comfortable.  Seriously.

7.  Being sized up.  From the second you announce your pregnancy people begin analyzing your weight gain, the cute baby bump, and what you are eating.  I realized that I did it too, but it’s just because the miracle of birth is truly awe inspiring and you just take in how the pregnant lady’s body is changing.  You aren’t really judging…you are just noticing.  Being on the other side…it sucks.  Everyone gives you the up and down look.  Everyone.  You think you are being sly about it.  You aren’t.  Just wait until the first time you are in a bathing suit after giving birth.  People are looking.  Did she pop back into shape?  Check out those porn star boobs.  Her ass will never be the same… Stop it!  Since when is it sociably acceptable to judge a woman’s body.  Give the preggers a break.

6.  Have you seen ‘Big Trouble in Little China’?  It’s a hilarious movie and I suggest you rent it.  One of the bad guys puffs up and explodes.  I can relate to that.  First it was the wedding rings.  Then it was shoes.  After work I would put my feet up and could see the indents in my feet from the shoes.  Socks were tight.  This is just terribly uncomfortable and you feel like the Pillsbury dough boy.

5.  I would have given anything in the last few months of pregnancy to go #2.  Anything.  You might read that your bowels slow down due to all of the pregnancy hormones and blah blah blah, but I didn’t expect them to come to a screeching halt.  Imagine days and days and days…miralax will become your friend.  So gross.

4.  Right around the time I started announcing I was pregnant instead of fighting some horrible stomach bug (remember that I threw up all the time) my boobs felt like they were filled with bees.  Every time someone gave me a congratulatory hug my eyes would water from what they assumed were hormones and the overwhelming joy of growing a baby.  Nope, the bees were stinging.  (I could write a post of only boob related items…you seriously wouldn’t believe it…)

3.  It’s not like the movies.  We were so excited when we found out we were having a baby.  So excited.  I booked the first appointment to my obgyn they had and couldn’t wait to lift up my shirt, have them squirt the goo on my tummy, and see my little peanut.  FALSE!  I watched the lady with confusion as she got a wand (about the width of a spirit stick for you cheer leaders out there), rolled a little condom on it, and then lubed it up.  WHOA!  WHOA! WHOA! Instead of enjoying the confirmation of my pregnancy, I was too busy being violated by that wand.  I honestly asked TJ for a hug once she left the room.  My heart was not ready for that. 

2.  Did you take the class? Hospitals have tons of classes you can take when you are pregnant.  Everything from tours to breastfeeding.  Did I take any of these classes?  Nope.  I was too busy trying to survive.  There was no time for classes.  Well…apparently I missed the fact that when it’s time to push, it feels exactly like you have to take that #2 you’ve been waiting months for.  EXACTLY.  I had a good ten minute conversation with the nurse, where I assured her that I was about to shit the bed, and she assured me that I was about to have a baby. 

1.  The cervical check, a.k.a. the “vagina punch.”  By the time it comes to checking if you are dialated or not, your body has been through the ringer and you have long since shed self consciousness you had grown accustomed to.  It’s now normal for your body to be poked and prodded.  You think you can’t be surprised.  Well, you are wrong.  WRONG!  I got the epideral strictly to avoid feeling the vagina punch.  Don’t fear birth. Fear the cervical check.